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THE SYSTEM
OF
DOCTOR TARR & PROFESSOR FETHER
Edgar Allan Poe
NARRATOR-PAUL ROBERTSON
During the autumn of 1844 while on a tour through the extreme southern provinces of France, my route led me within a few miles of a certain Maison de Sante or private madhouse, about which I had heard much in Paris from my medical friends. As I had never visited a place of the kind, I thought the opportunity too good to be lost. I rode until the Maison de Sante came in view. It was a fantastic chateau, much dilapidated through age and neglect. Its aspect inspired me with absolute dread, and I half resolved to turn back. I soon, however, grew ashamed of my weakness, and proceeded.
As I rode up to the gateway, I perceived it slightly open, and the visage of a man peering through. I was soon to find that this was the superintendent, Monsieur Maillard. He was a portly, fine looking gentleman of the old school, with a polished manner, and a certain air of dignity and authority which was very impressive.
The superintendent ushered me into a small parlor, containing, among other indications of refined taste, many books, drawings, pots of flowers, and musical instruments. A cheerful fire blazed upon the hearth. At a piano, singing an aria from Bellini, sat a young and very beautiful woman, who, at my entrance, paused in her song, and received me with graceful courtesy. Her voice was low, and her whole manner subdued. Her countenance was excessively, although not unpleasingly, pale. She excited in my bosom a feeling of mingled respect, interest, and admiration.
I had heard, at Paris, that the institution of Monsieur Maillard was managed upon what is vulgarly termed the "system of soothing"- that all punishments and confinements were avoided- that the patients, while secretly watched, were left much liberty, and that most of them were permitted to roam about the house and grounds in the ordinary apparel of persons in right mind.
Keeping these impressions in view, I was cautious in what I said before the young lady; for I could not be sure that she was sane; and, in fact, there was a certain restless brilliancy about her eyes which half led me to imagine she was not. I confined my remarks, therefore, to general topics, and to such as I thought would not be displeasing or exciting even to a lunatic. She replied in a perfectly rational manner to all that I said; and even her own observations were marked with the soundest good sense. Soon afterward, the lady left the room. As she departed I turned my eyes in an inquiring manner toward my host.
MAILLARD-MIKE CRAMER
No, oh no – a member of my family – my niece, and a most accomplished woman.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
“I beg a thousand pardons for the suspicion. The excellent administration of your affairs here is well understood in Paris, and I thought it just possible, you know”
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Yes, yes- say no more- or rather it is myself who should thank you for the commendable prudence you have displayed. We seldom find so much of forethought in young men; and, more than once, some unhappy situation has occurred in consequence of thoughtlessness on the part of our visitors. While my former system was in operation, and my patients were permitted the privilege of roaming to and fro at will, they were often aroused to a dangerous frenzy by injudicious persons who called to inspect the house. Hence I was obliged to enforce a rigid system of exclusion; and none obtained access to the premises upon whose discretion I could not rely.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
“While your former system was in operation! Do I understand you, then, to say that the ‘soothing system’ of which I have heard so much is no longer in force?”
MAILLARD-CRAMER
It is now several weeks since we have concluded to renounce it forever.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
“Indeed! You astonish me!”
MAILLARD-CRAMER
We found it, sir, absolutely necessary to return to the old usages. The danger of the soothing system was appalling; and its advantages have been much overrated. I am sorry that you could not have paid us a visit at an earlier period, that you might have judged for yourself. But I presume you are conversant with the soothing practice- with its details.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
“Not altogether. What I have heard has been at third or fourth hand.”
MAILLARD-CRAMER
The system was one in which the patients were largely humored. We contradicted no fancies which entered the brains of the mad. On the contrary, we not only indulged but encouraged them. We had men, for example, who fancied themselves chickens. The cure was, to insist upon it as a fact- and thus to refuse him any other food for a week than that which properly appertains to a chicken. In this manner a little corn and gravel were made to perform wonders. We also put much faith in amusements of a simple kind, such as music, dancing, cards, books, and so forth. And the word 'lunacy' was never employed.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"And you had no punishments of any kind?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
None.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"And you never confined your patients?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Very rarely. Now and then, the malady of some individual growing to a crisis, or taking a sudden turn of fury, we conveyed him to a secret cell. For the raging maniac we have nothing to do. He is usually removed to the public hospitals.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"And you have now changed all this- and you think for the better?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Decidedly. The system had its disadvantages, and even its dangers. After dinner, when you have recovered from the fatigue of your ride, I will introduce to you a new system which, in my opinion, is incomparably the most effectual as yet devised.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"Your own? One of your own invention?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
I am proud to acknowledge that it is- at least in some measure.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
In this manner I conversed with Monsieur Maillard for an hour or two, during which he showed me the gardens and conservatories of the place.
MAILLARD-CRAMER
I cannot let you see my patients just at present. To a sensitive mind there is always the shocking in such exhibitions; and I do not wish to spoil your appetite for dinner. We will dine, then your nerves will be sufficiently steadied.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
At six, dinner was announced; and my host conducted me into a large dining room, where a numerous company were assembled- twenty-five or thirty in all. They were, apparently, people of high breeding- although their manners were extravagantly rich, partaking of the ostentatious finery. I noticed that at least two-thirds of these guests were ladies; and some were by no means clothed in what a Parisian would consider good taste. Many females, for example, whose age could not have been less than seventy, were bedecked with a profusion of jewelry, and wore their bosoms and arms shamefully bare. In looking about, I discovered the interesting girl to whom Monsieur Maillard had presented me in the parlor; but my surprise was great to see her wearing a hoop and farthingale, with high-heeled shoes, and a dirty cap of Brussels lace, so much too large for her that it gave her face a ridiculously diminutive expression. There was an air of oddity about the dress of the whole party, but I remembered having been informed, in Paris, that the southern provincialists were a peculiarly eccentric people, with a vast number of antiquated notions; thus, my apprehensions were immediately and fully dispelled.
The table was superbly set out with delicacies. Never, in all my life, had I witnessed so lavish, so wasteful an expenditure of the good things of life. There seemed very little taste, however, in the arrangements; and my eyes were sadly offended by the prodigious glare of a multitude of wax candles, which, in silver candelabra, were deposited upon the table, and all about the room, wherever it was possible to find a place. There were several active servants in attendance; and, upon a large table, at the farther end of the apartment, were seated seven or eight people with fiddles, fifes, trombones, and a drum. These fellows annoyed me very much, by an infinite variety of noises, which were intended for music, and which appeared to afford much entertainment to all present, with the exception of myself.
The conversation, in the meantime, was spirited and general. I soon found that nearly all the company were well educated; and my host was a world of good-humored anecdote in himself. He seemed quite willing to speak of his position as superintendent of a Maison de Sante; and, indeed, the topic of lunacy was, much to my surprise, a favorite one with all present. A great many amusing stories were told, having reference to the whims of the patients.
FIRST LOONIE-RICHARD HEFT
We had a fellow here once that fancied himself a teapot; and by the way, is it not especially singular how often this particular crotchet has entered the brain of the lunatic? There is scarcely an insane asylum in France which cannot supply a human tea-pot. Our gentleman was a Britannia-ware teapot, and was careful to polish himself every morning with buckskin and whiting.
SECOND LOONIE-CLIVE REES
He was a great fool, beyond doubt, but not to be compared with a certain individual whom we all know, with the exception of this strange gentleman. I mean the man who took himself for a bottle of champagne, and always went off with a pop and a fizz, in this fashion.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
Here the speaker, very rudely, as I thought, put his right thumb in his left cheek, withdrew it with a sound resembling the popping of a cork, and then, by a dexterous movement of the tongue upon the teeth, created a sharp hissing and fizzing, which lasted for several minutes, in imitation of the frothing of champagne. This behavior, I saw plainly, was not very pleasing to Monsieur Maillard; but that gentleman said nothing, and the conversation was resumed.
THIRD LOONIE-EBBIE PARKER
But then, he was a madman, and a very silly madman at best. Madame Joyeuse was a more sensible person, as you know. She had a crotchet, but it was instinct with common sense, and gave pleasure to all who had the honor of her acquaintance. She found, upon mature deliberation, that, by some accident, she had been turned into a chicken-cock; but, as such, she behaved with propriety. She flapped her wings with prodigious effect- so- so- and, as for her crow, it was delicious! Cock-a-doodle-doo!- cock-a-doodle-doo!- cock-a-doodle-de-doo-dooo-do-o-o-o-o-o-o!"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Madame, I will thank you to behave yourself! You can either conduct yourself as a lady should do, or you can quit the table forthwith. Take your choice.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
The lady blushed up to the eyebrows, and seemed exceedingly abashed. She hung down her head, and said not a syllable in reply.
FOURTH LOONIE-HEFT
And then there was an ignoramus who mistook himself for a frog, which, by the way, he resembled in no little degree. I wish you could have seen him, sir, it would have done your heart good to see the natural airs that he put on. Sir, if that man was not a frog, I can only observe that it is a pity he was not. His croak thus- o-o-o-o-gh- o-o-o-o-gh! was the finest note in the world- B flat; and when he put his elbows upon the table, after taking a glass or two of wine, and distended his mouth, and rolled up his eyes, and winked them with excessive rapidity, why then, sir, I take it upon myself to say, positively, that you would have been lost in admiration of the genius of the man.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"I have no doubt of it. You astonish me!" I looked inquisitively at Monsieur Maillard.
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Ha! ha! ha! he! he! he!- hi! hi! hi!- ho!ho! ho!- hu! hu! hu! hu!- very good indeed! You must not be astonished, mon ami; our friend here is a wit- a drole- you must not understand him to the letter.
FIFTH LOONIE-CLIVE REES
And then, there was Bouffon Le Grand- another extraordinary personage in his way. He grew deranged through love, and fancied himself possessed of two heads. One of these he maintained to be the head of Cicero; the other he imagined being Socrates'. It is not impossible that he was wrong; but he would have convinced you of his being in the right, for he was a man of great eloquence. He had an absolute passion for oratory, and could not refrain from display. For example, he used to leap upon the dinner-table thus, and- and-
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
Here a friend, at the side of the speaker, put a hand upon his shoulder and whispered a few words in his ear, upon which he ceased talking with great suddenness, and sank back within his chair.
But a young lady resumed the theme. It was my beautiful girl of the little parlor.
SIXTH LOONIE-PARKER
Oh, they were all fools! But there was very much sound sense in the opinion of Eugenie Salsafette. She was a very beautiful and painfully modest young lady, who thought the ordinary mode of habiliment indecent, and wished to dress herself, always, by getting outside instead of inside of her clothes. It is a thing very easily done, after all. You have only to do so- and then so- so- so- and then so- so- so- and then so- so- and then-
ALL
Mon dieu! Ma'm'selle Salsafette! What are you about?- forbear!- that is sufficient!- we see, very plainly, how it is done!- hold! hold!
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
Several persons were leaping from their seats to withhold Ma'm'selle Salsafette from putting herself upon a par with the Medicean Venus, when suddenly there arose a series of loud screams, or yells, from the main body of the chateau.
My nerves were very much affected, indeed, by these yells; but the rest of the company I really pitied. I never saw any set of reasonable people so thoroughly frightened in my life.
They all grew as pale as so many corpses, and, shrinking within their seats, sat quivering and gibbering with terror, and listening for a repetition of the sound. It came again- louder and seemingly nearer- and then a third time very loud; and then a fourth, but with a vigor evidently diminished. At this apparent dying away of the noise, the spirits of the company were immediately regained, and all was as before. I now ventured to inquire the cause of the disturbance.
MAILLARD-CRAMER
A mere bagtelle. We are used to these things. The lunatics, every now and then, get up a howl; one starting another, as is sometimes the case with a bevy of dogs at night. It occasionally happens, however, that the yells are succeeded by an effort at breaking loose, when, of course, some little danger is to be apprehended.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"And how many have you in charge?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
At present we have not more than ten, altogether.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"Principally females, I presume?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Oh, no; every one of them men, and stout fellows, too, I can tell you.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"Indeed! I have always understood that the majority of lunatics were of the gentler sex."
MAILLARD-CRAMER
It is generally so, but not always. Some time ago, there were about twenty-seven patients here; and, of that number, no less than eighteen were women; but, lately, matters have changed very much, as you see.
ALL
Yes- have changed very much, as you see!
Yes- have changed very much, as you see!
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Hold your tongues, every one of you!"
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
Whereupon the whole company maintained a dead silence for nearly a minute. As for one lady, she obeyed Monsieur Maillard to the letter, and thrusting out her tongue, which was an excessively long one, held it very resignedly, with both hands, until the end of the entertainment.
"And this gentlewoman- this good lady who has just spoken, and who gives us the cock-a-doodle-de-doo- she, I presume, is harmless- quite harmless, eh?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Harmless! why- why, what can you mean?
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"Only slightly touched? I take it for granted that she is not particularly dangerously affected?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Mon dieu! what is it you imagine? This lady, my particular old friend Madame Joyeuse, is as absolutely sane as myself. She has her little eccentricities, to be sure- but then, you know, all old women- all very old women- are more or less eccentric!
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"To be sure, to be sure- and then the rest of these ladies and gentlemen-
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Are the keepers- my very good assistants.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"What! all of them? the women and all?
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Assuredly. We could not do at all without the women; they are the best lunatic nurses in the world; they have a way of their own, you know; their bright eyes have a marvelous effect; -something like the fascination of the snake, you know.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"To be sure, to be sure. By the bye, Monsieur, did I understand you to say that the system you have adopted, in place of the celebrated soothing system, was one of very rigorous severity?
MAILLARD-CRAMER
By no means. Our confinement is necessarily close; but the treatment is rather agreeable to the patients than otherwise.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"And the new system is one of your own invention?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Not altogether. Some portions of it are referable to Doctor Tarr, of whom, I’m sure, you have heard. And, again, there are modifications in my plan which I am happy to acknowledge as belonging to the celebrated Professor Fether, with whom, if I mistake not, you have the honor of an intimate acquaintance.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"I am quite ashamed to confess that I have never even heard the names of either gentleman before.
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Good heavens! You did not intend to say that you had never heard either of the learned Doctor Tarr, or of the celebrated Professor Fether?"
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"I am forced to acknowledge my ignorance. I feel humbled not to be acquainted with the works of these, no doubt, extraordinary men. I will seek out their writings forthwith, and peruse them with deliberate care.”
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Say no more, my good young friend. Join me now in a glass of wine.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
We drank. The company followed our example. They chatted- they jested- they laughed- they perpetrated a thousand absurdities- the fiddles shrieked- the drum row-de-dowed- the trombones bellowed like so many brazen bulls- and the whole scene became at length a sort of pandemonium. In the meantime, Monsieur Maillard and myself, now with some bottles of wine between us, continued our conversation.
“And, sir, you mentioned something before dinner about the danger incurred in the old system of soothing. How is that?”
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Yes, there was, occasionally, very great danger indeed. There is no accounting for the caprices of madmen; and, in my opinion as well as in that of Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether, it is never safe to permit them to run at large unattended. His cunning is great and the dexterity with which he counterfeits sanity presents one of the most singular problems in the study of mind. When a madman appears thoroughly sane, indeed, it is high time to put him in a straitjacket.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"But the danger of which you were speaking- have you had practical reason to think liberty hazardous in the case of a lunatic?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Here? In my own experience? Why, I may say, yes. For example: - not very long while ago, a singular circumstance occurred in this very house. The 'soothing system,' you know, was then in operation, and the patients were at large. They behaved remarkably well-especially so, any one of sense might have known that some devilish scheme was brewing from that particular fact. And, sure enough, one fine morning the keepers found themselves pinioned hand and foot, and thrown into the cells, where they were attended, as if they were the lunatics, by the lunatics themselves, who had usurped the offices of the keepers.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"You don't tell me so! I never heard of any thing so absurd in my life!"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
It all came to pass by means of a stupid fellow- a lunatic- who, by some means, had taken it into his head that he had invented a better system of government than any ever heard of before- of lunatic government. He wished to give his invention a trial, and so he persuaded the rest of the patients to join him in a conspiracy for the overthrow of the reigning powers.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"And he really succeeded?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
No doubt of it. The keepers were shut up in cells forthwith, and treated, I am sorry to say, in a very cavalier manner.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"But I presume a counter-revolution was soon effected. This condition of things could not have long existed. The country people in the neighborhood-visitors coming to see the establishment- would have given the alarm."
MAILLARD-CRAMER
The head rebel was too cunning for that. He admitted no visitors at all- with the exception, one day, of a very stupid-looking young gentleman of whom he had no reason to be afraid. He let him in to see the place- just by way of variety- to have a little fun with him.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"And how long, then, did the madmen reign?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
Oh, a very long time, indeed- a month certainly- how much longer I can't precisely say. In the meantime, the lunatics had a jolly season of it. They doffed their own shabby clothes, and made free with the family wardrobe and jewels. The cellars of the chateau were well stocked with wine; and these mad men are just the devils that know how to drink it. They lived well, I can tell you.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
"And the treatment- what was the particular species of treatment which the leader of the rebels put into operation?"
MAILLARD-CRAMER
It is my honest opinion that his treatment was a much better treatment than that which it superseded. It was a very capital system indeed- simple- neat- no trouble at all- in fact it was delicious."
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
Here my host's observations were cut short by another series of yells, of the same sort as those which had previously disconcerted us. This time, however, they seemed to proceed from persons rapidly approaching.
"Gracious heavens! The lunatics have most undoubtedly broken loose."
MAILLARD-CRAMER
I very much fear it is so.
NARRATOR-ROBERTSON
He had scarcely finished the sentence, before loud shouts were heard. It became evident that some persons outside were endeavoring to gain entrance into the room. The door was beaten with what appeared to be a sledge-hammer, and the windows were shaken with prodigious violence.
A scene of the most terrible confusion ensued. Monsieur Maillard, to my excessive astonishment threw himself under the table. I had expected more resolution at his hands. The members of the orchestra, who had been seemingly too much intoxicated to do duty, now sprang all at once to their feet and broke into "Yankee Doodle," which they performed with superhuman energy.
Meantime, upon the main dining-table, leaped the gentleman who had been restrained from leaping there before. He commenced an oration, which, no doubt, was a very capital one, if it could only have been heard.
And now, too, hearing an incredible popping and fizzing of champagne, I discovered at length, that it proceeded from the person who performed the bottle of that delicate drink during dinner. And then, again, the frog-man croaked away as if the salvation of his soul depended upon every note that he uttered. And, in the midst of all this, the continuous braying of a donkey arose over all. As for my old friend, Madame Joyeuse, all she did was to stand up in a corner, by the fireplace, and sing out incessantly at the top of her voice, "Cock-a-doodle-de-dooooooh!"
And now came the climax- the catastrophe of the drama. Leaping through the door and broken windows, and down among us, fighting, stamping, scratching, and howling, there rushed a perfect army of what appeared to be very large Chimpanzees, or Ourang-Outangs, or big black baboons.
I received a terrible beating- after which I rolled under a sofa and lay still. After lying there some fifteen minutes, during which time I listened with all my ears to what was going on in the room, I came to some satisfactory conclusion of this tragedy. Monsieur Maillard, it appeared, in giving me the account of the lunatic who had excited his fellows to rebellion, had been merely relating his own exploits. The keepers, ten in number, having been suddenly overpowered, were well tarred and carefully feathered, then shut up in underground cells. They had been so imprisoned for more than a month, during which period Monsieur Maillard had generously allowed them not only the tar and feathers (which constituted his "system"), but some bread and a great abundance of water. The water was pumped on them daily. At length, one escaping through a sewer, gave freedom to all the rest.
The "soothing system," with important modifications, has been resumed at the chateau; yet I cannot help agreeing with Monsieur Maillard, that his own "treatment" was a very capital one of its kind. As he justly observed, it was "simple- neat- and gave no trouble at all- not the least."
I have only to add that, although I have searched every library in Europe for the works of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether, I have, up to the present day, utterly failed in my endeavors at procuring an edition.
-The End-
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